Parliament & Champagne

Lest there be misunderstanding—Champagne is not the bubbly drink made in France; he is the stray who has made my doorstep his home— living there for a dozen years, wagging his tail and biting me twice during that period.

…in his heydays

Lest there be a bigger misunderstanding—this parliament being talked about is not the parliament of owls as one would construe it to be from the mention of a stray dog right in the beginning. This is about the Parliament where the elected representatives of the people are expected to sit and conduct the affairs of the country. Just ‘expected.’

A word about Champagne. I love him for he loves me too. And I bet his love is unconditional and purer than mine, despite the two courses of Rabipur vaccine he thrust upon me. He guards my house against ill-intentioned strangers. I believe he keeps away evil spirits too. We read each other’s minds. I confess that I had stolen his thoughts to write his (autobiographical) story five years ago. On numerous other occasions, I have ‘used’ him to simplify and explain everything from international relations to a complex country like China.

…wounded, hurt and humbled

He is valuable to me—he doesn’t let the ink in my pen dry up.

Recently, around the time Parliament was supposed to be meeting for its monsoon session—but was adjourned, apparently for reasons for which no one can be held accountable—Champagne was badly hurt in a hit-and-run incident. He is now admitted in Noida Animal Shelter and Hospital, struggling for life.

[Author’s Note: Readers with a heart may pause here and offer a prayer for Champagne’s speedy recovery.]

My visits to that complex have been an eye-opener. I have been only to the areas meant for dogs. There are hundreds of them—mostly sick or wounded—barking, fighting. There is dirt; there is stench. The buildings are dilapidated; equipment and the very basic amenities and facilities are either damaged, in beyond-repair condition, or just not there. My impression was that the shelter was understaffed too. But during the time I spent at the shelter looking up Champagne on my several visits, I was amazed by the dedication of those on duty. In my assessment they were more dedicated and conscientious than the representatives mandated to work in the cosy comfort of the temple of democracy. Despite the dismal conditions, those people went about their duties. To me, they were as voiceless as the wretched curs they were serving and treating.

Deserving more? Parliament or…

The monsoon session of the parliament got washed—certainly not by the rain. In the many debates taking place in the media, the cost of doing no-business is estimated at crores of rupees. If the same amount had been allocated to Noida Animal Shelter and Hospital, it’d have been better utilised—Champagne recovered, and we’d have said cheers!

PS: It being an animal matter, there was a suggestion to approach the cockroaches and ask them to rise in support of Champagne and others of his ilk. The brilliant idea had to be given up as soon as it was mooted, because the plates of the arthropods were full and they had become choosy—they had just rejected the idea of picking up the cudgels for the students of Bihar.  

PPS: For readers interested, here are some posts in which I have exploited Champagne’s personal life for my motives…

Champagne

China’s Champagne Moment

Dealing with the Darned Dragon-V: Time to Kowtow?

Delhi’s Dogs of War

Stumbling on a Purpose at 60

The Stain of Democracy

The voter, now a seasoned player, enjoys the perks, and feasts on freebies while casting his vote with discretion. Election rallies have become seasonal employment opportunities, with paid crowds giving the illusion of enthusiastic turnouts; noise pollution and traffic disruptions not being anybody’s concern. With each election, the mad race to serve the people is becoming fiercer, although who truly benefit—the elected representatives, or the ones electing them—remains debatable.

Getting up early; wearing lucky charms; offering prayers at several temples in a given sequence; and being accompanied by particular (women) constituents, to send a message; and many such tricks on their way to file nominations don’t seem to work for those seeking a berth in the state assembly or the parliament. Not anymore. It is amazing what will matter in the next dance performance of the Indian democracy?

The Stain of Democracy

News of a recent groundbreaking study with far reaching implications on future election results has been hastily suppressed. Unsurprisingly, the start-up, InkQuest, who conducted the study has vanished into thin air for the fear of being kidnapped by people with vested interests. It has been learnt from leaked reports that immediately after the recently held Delhi Assembly elections, samples of thousands of India (as different from INDI Alliance) Ink marks on the index fingers of the voters were collected using high definition and high-resolution cameras. The specimens were analysed by graphologists who had been quarantined so that their analysis was not influenced by the exit poll results or the paid media reports.  After hours of extensive study of the ink stains, they concluded that it was possible to forecast the outcome of the poll by analysing the stains. In fact, they had given the names of the winners of that election, with six-sigma accuracy, well before the declaration of the result by the Election Commission.

Before the team went into hiding, they had spoken in confidence to a rare species of well-meaning media persons about their research. As has been learnt, the length of the stain; its width; the shape, the shade (due to dilution of the ink); whether the mark is broken; how much is the area covered by the ink on the nail in comparison to the area covered on the skin… everything conveys something. A close look reveals familiar shapes in the stains, for example: a boat, a crescent, a cock, a bull, a yacht, a leaf, a duck, a paramecium, a spider, a star and so many others. With careful analysis, it is possible to establish a relationship between the stain and the name of the candidate voted by an individual. Forecasting the outcome of an election based on the study of the stains of democracy is, but the tip of the iceberg. The spinoffs of this study are mind-boggling—they can hold the Indian democracy to ransom.

A corollary of the InkQuest study is particularly alarming: “If in an election, the India Ink stains were to be deliberately ‘designed’ on the fingernails of the voters to favour particular candidates, the outcome of the poll could be manoeuvred.” As a result, now those who have the power and means to manage, are trying to get men who’d apply the stain on voters’ fingers so as to ensure their win. Those who can’t, are preparing to put up a case to the Election Commission for an automatic finger staining machine (FSM) that’d ensure identical stains, preferably resembling the chakra of the Indian tricolour. Who knows… in the times to come, both, the EVMs, and the (FSM) will be held responsible for manipulated elections.

Whatever happens, one can rest assured, in the future there’ll be less of noise in the streets; less of dog-fights and less of freebies. Horse trading, liquor and largesse will be out of the question. One who’ll be able to manipulate the stain of democracy will be in the spotlight on the floor where darling democracy performs its dance.

Comments

Wing Commander Vijay Ambre (IAF Veteran): Ashok, I enjoyed reading your latest blog, as usual.
I wonder, if it would be easier to employ “Thought Police”, a la George Orwell’s 1984, and influence the voter directly in the 2034 (or even 2029) General elections, rather than analyzing voter inkstains?
Even easier ,would be to go go back to ballot paper votes, so that the boxes could be replaced with ones already stuffed with the ballots pre_stamped?
Just thinking …..🤔😊